wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
