Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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