My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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