I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
i think im in europe. pls send help
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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