Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
