i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
