she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
