No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
