idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
don't judge my taste in strippers
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
