Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
