I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
