so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
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