Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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