there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
