I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
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