someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize