So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
