So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
