I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize
