"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
