I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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