i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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