why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
