we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
