her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
