just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
His nipple licking is glorious
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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