I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
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