the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
We left an ass print on the piano.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Randomize
