Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
