So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
