You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
