omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize