i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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