Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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