Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
