It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
