Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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