you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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