My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
That was an excessively violent trivia night
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Randomize
