I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
