apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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