I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
