saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Randomize
