If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
