I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Randomize