sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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