I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
its liver damage thursday
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
