PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
