i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
soo... how was my night?
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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