stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
