You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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