Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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