And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
