Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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