I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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