What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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