I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
