she kept yelling 'call me bella'
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
