you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
You have to summon your inner elephant
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
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