OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Why are your pants in the freezer?
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