walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
well most of my day revolves around power hour
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Randomize
