When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
