About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Randomize
