I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Randomize
