I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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